Let them FAIL!
- Posted by admin
- On May 29, 2019
- 0 Comments
Yes. You heard me correctly. Let your children fail. This is something that is essential to preparing them to be not only successful in school now, but in college, and as adults. I cannot tell you how many students I see come to campus having never, and I mean never, experienced a setback, challenge, or failure, and they simply have no idea how to handle it – let alone having any healthy coping mechanisms. Had they learned to fail when they younger, and the stakes were not as high, it would have been so much more beneficial.
Now, I know this is hard and it’s a concept that is counter-intuitive for most of us. Fail? My kid? Nope. In today’s world of high stakes testing, ridiculously competitive college admissions processes, and limited scholarships, the idea of letting our children fail even slightly seems like the end of world and as having potential catastrophic impacts on all future goals. Not to mention the fact that it’s just hard to watch our children struggle, and possibly fail, at something. It often feels like we are in a high stakes, you-win-my-kid-loses world. This has led to parents who have become overly involved in their children’s day to day lives. This had led to helicopter parenting, and more recently, lawnmower parenting. These are the parents who “mow down” any and all obstacles facing their children, so they never have to experience a challenge. Which means they never… FAIL.
Some of you might be wondering why this is a problem. No one likes challenges. No wants to fail. But let me tell you a story. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was working in a counseling center, and I was nervous about becoming a mom. The Director of the Center sent me an article to read, and it had an impact on me that has shaped the way I have parented ever since. The article discussed a new phenomenon of therapists seeing mid-20 somethings coming in, citing depression, dissatisfaction with their lives, unhappiness, anxiety, etc. As had been the norm, as they began asking about their childhoods, they expected to hear of unhappiness growing up, unsupportive parents, lots of challenges, etc. What they heard, however, was the opposite. Idyllic upbringings, incredible parents, happy, carefree lives. Devoid of challenges. No opportunity for failure. Parents arranging play dates and social opportunities. After school time structured and extra-curriculars galore. You see where I’m going? This was the beginning of the “Every Kids Gets a Trophy” generation. The article went on to discuss how these young adults were experiencing challenges and failure for the very first time, and had not developed any coping skills. As discussed in the article, when children are growing up, they NEED to learn to deal with challenges and see that they survived. A small child trips over a branch and falls. They are startled at first. They look back and say “oh, I fell over that branch.” They pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and move on. Too many parents swoop in and pick the kid up before they even know what happened. They have no chance to experience the slight pain, see what happened, and say “hey, I survived that.”
As they get older, the proverbial “branches” get bigger, and the stakes get higher. Kids need to continue learning how to deal with those falls, so they can continue to pick themselves up, and move forward. If we continue to deprive them of those struggles and failures, when we aren’t there to mow down the challenges, they will be in a world of trouble. It can lead to anxiety, a sense of helplessness, and a lack of emotional resources needed to deal with the inevitable failures and setbacks they will face.
On the other hand, letting them fail and succeed on their own merits, helps them develop self-confidence, a sense of self-efficacy, and the ability to advocate for themselves. They develop resiliency – one of the number one things they need.
As parents, we can be there for them. Support them. Cheer for them. But let them fail.
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